i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
