Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Randomize
