I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
