this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Randomize
