Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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