i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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