I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Randomize
