my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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