apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
