The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
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She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
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She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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