2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
