my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
