I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Randomize
