When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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