ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
