I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
