I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
