No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
