I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
