i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
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