she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
