So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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