Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
