the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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