You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
