No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
