i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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