pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
