i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
