Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Say something about gay babies.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Randomize
