the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
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