We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
