1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
