I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
