If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
