it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
