My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Randomize
