I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Randomize
