Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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