I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
