I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I just want to make out with him forever
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Randomize
