ADVERTISEMENT

• (530): View more from California

  shit pants at work. discarded underwear.

  (1-530): View more from California

  just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?

  (530): View more from California

  yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.

  Fav 44 1335 5365

  share tweet
  

• (631): View more from New York

  My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.

  Fav 23 1044 2675

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (508): View more from Massachusetts

  this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson

  Fav 7 3981 1035

  share tweet
  

• (734): View more from Michigan

  I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.

  Fav 10 2847 863

  share tweet
  

• (562): View more from California

  When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.

  Fav 5 1569 985

  share tweet
  

• (907): View more from Alaska

  Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night

  Fav 6 1490 629

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (301): View more from Maryland

  That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?

  Fav 1 1083 655

  share tweet
  

• (404): View more from Georgia

  Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.

  Fav 2 695 542

  share tweet
  

• (409): View more from Texas

  I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.

  Fav 1 264 530

  share tweet
  

• (905): View more from Ontario

  His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard

  Fav 1 166 100

  share tweet
  

• (757): View more from Virginia

  This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating

  Fav 1 107 130

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (859): View more from Kentucky

  The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.

  Fav 0 54 14

  share tweet
  

• (210): View more from Texas

  I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.

  Fav 0 50 2

  share tweet
  

• (917): View more from New York City

  I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.

  (323): View more from California

  After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.

  Fav 0 39 8

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (+56): View more from

  I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever

  Fav 0 39 12

  share tweet
  

Randomize