As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
