ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
