there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
He keeps bees of course he's weird
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Randomize
