don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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