just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
i out mim tonsoeep
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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