Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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