It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
