So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
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