Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Im part way to drunk.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
