Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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