Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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