Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
