i permit you to call me
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Randomize
